Modeling Just Because.

Androgynous.

80’s Fashion. Modeling just because. So many people wanted me to be a model. Back then I did not have the confidence I have now. I was a follower. So when people told me I should be a model I just followed. Sometimes I think how miserable I was being called beautiful. The whole modeling thing was so difficult for a person like me. I remember once when I had to undress in front of the other models during a fashion show. It’s super hectic in the backroom where the models and the dressers are frantic. Everyone moving at the speed of light it feels like. But you cannot be concerned with your body and people looking at you. I could not get out of my head so taking my clothes off and showing my boobs without my ace bandage was so hard but I did it. You would think on some level this would help elevate the dysphoria because no one cared. But a brain on dysphoria sees things differently. The stress was insane. Alcohol was my friend.

Androgynous. This was the big thing! I kind of think of it as the nonbinary of the eighties. Crossdressing. Playing with gender. It’s been around forever. The fashion industry is instrumental in celebrating this. It was a place I could sometimes be male looking and it was ok. But mostly it wasn’t. I think the make-up and the dresses threw me off. My androgyny was celebrated on some level. But they always wanted to put makeup on my face and then just go nuts about how it transformed me. All I could do was ask for another drink just to be able to sit still. Always asking if I would like to look in the mirror. No was always my answer.

I can say that my dysphoria at that time was pretty high. As well my sexuality was fucking with me. Especially all the hot models that flirted with me but never took it any further. People did experiment for sure. But my feelings would get hurt when they would tell me they were not gay so they could not have sex. That was my own insecurity for sure. But it still hurt. The flirting. The attempts to feel like I was a man and maybe they would like me better. Sometimes feeling so alone. Laughing. Not me but them. Playing it off so I would not cry. Men don’t cry. So I have been told. Now you see why alcohol was my friend. It’s an easy escape route that became a daily thing. Today at 60 I laugh when I think of all the times I had a crush on a model and we would flirt only to end up with her leaving with a dude!

London. They called me and told me an agency in London would like me to come. My stomach ached with anxiety. Flying on an airplane across the ocean? I had never done that. Alone? I was so shy and so scared of my own shadow at this time I have no idea how I mustered up the courage to fly to an agency and model. But I did. The stories I will tell you about this in the future are just insane. The things I did and the way the modeling industry took a liking to me. How I just could not do it. I made so many people mad at me. 

All of these life experiences are so hard when you are in them but as you grow you realize there is a message. It’s up to you to learn and grow from heartache and pain. From experiences that are not always good. This is what I have learned in my many years on this planet. Things happen, how are you going to handle them?

 Love the universe and the universe will love you back.

Love, Buck