I Am Not The First or The Last, BUT....

Trans has become something other than what I signed up for.

Feeling a bit frustrated these days with the whole “trans kids are valid” and the “trans community” . I put in quotes because it feels like one Big quote. Before I move forward with this I just want to remind you that I just write how I feel and not much like a writer. There will errors and just bad english:) But it is kind of my style “ rough around the edges” but a lover inside. So I hope this will not turn you off to read.

The trans community. It once held value for me. Not sure if I out grew it or it turned into something that I do not recognize. Maybe both. The title of this piece is because I get a lot of flak from that community for not only being outspoken in my opinions, though I have always been like that, but also because I am a well recognized transsexual man. Because of this they say “ You do not represent the trans community Buck” or “ You are a boot licker and a TERF” amongst other things of no value. But it makes me realize that I am a big voice and all the years of putting myself in the public eye have paid off for me today. MEANING MY VOICE IS LOUD. Which makes the “trans community” scared? or mad? because I refuse to go along with the narrative. Maybe all the above. I find it strange how it has become this weird bubble. No one wants to think outside or challenge for fear of being called names or being “kicked out of the club” like I have. I learned that was the best thing that could have happen to me. Freedom from group think.

There were transsexual men before me and there will be transsexual men after me, There are transsexual men who think just like me but they are living their lives and do not want whatever is happening today. I always tell you the difference between a transsexual and transgender is transsexuals want to just fit in, pass as we say, know who we are and move on with life. Transgender is now an identity and political choice. They have taken over and have become unbearable, scary and insane in my opinion. There are trans men who are not like me and will tow the party line for whatever reason. We do not get along with each other.

When I was a young girl I loved to look like a boy, play with the boys and “be a boy” BUT NEVER did anyone say I was a boy or could be one. I always knew I was a girl. Never really thought it was bad just was, I was a badass girl. I got into fights at school because boys would make fun of me and say “ you look like a boy” so I would beat the shit out of them, in six grade! haha

Sometimes I would get in trouble and eventually the boys started liking me , I secretly think they were afraid of me, and always picked me first to play on the handball or P.E. teams. Thinking back I had a bit of a temper and would get set off easy. My dad always said “ Never throw the first punch” but after they hit first I kicked their ass! My Dad treated my other sisters the same way but I was the most masculine for sure. Tomboy. Just a girl who was masculine and loved being around the boys.

Never ever thought I was a “trans kid” that language never existed thank god! There was never a problem with a girl being masculine. I think it was the other way around for boys who were feminine. They always got beat up. That sucks! Interesting how a girl can be like a boy but a boy cannot be like a girl. More than my gender I remember I started having feelings for girls. That sucked because the word lesbian was a dirty word. But gender wasn’t. No one put pressure on my gender but I will say they did put pressure on my sexuality. Kind of like the reverse of today.

My childhood was good. Of course there were things that happen but I will always say in general my parents raised us well. Both my Mom and Dad worked. We were latch keys kids. My Dad made us help my mom with cooking and household chores. My Dad was kind of strict. Sports dominated the house so of course I excelled in sports..DYKE! haha. Was I a trans kid? NO! I was not.

Many things happened from that time until I decided to transition and if I wrote that here it would be a book which I am happy to say is happening now. Seriously a real literary agent has attached themselves and an amazing writer who is helping me. But my point in this whole ramble is this. I did this as an adult after years of “struggle” with booze, drugs, sex work and so much. I made bad choices and good choices BUT I will say with all sincerity I would NOT change a thing. I am who I am as popeye would say. These life experiences gave me these “ balls” to push back on a community that was once mine. A community that has become rotten on the inside. I saw it start to happen many year ago and did not stand up. Now I do.

The transsexuals that will now come after me I hope will see me and know how much my transition has made me not only a better person but a happy person. That is what transition is. Becoming happy but not needing validation from others. Wanting to walk the world with your head held high. Wanting to just be content and get the things that were not accesible to you before because you had no confdence. I have it all and more. There will be others. They will succeed as I did. We will all remember this horrible time and try to never let it happen again. Transition is a gift. I treat is with respect. That is what has been lost.

With love, Buck