Running for my life. Seventeen years old.1970’s.The only thing that makes me feel alive is running. I become pretty good at it and get sponsored by Adidas and others. I was super shy and never felt a part of any group unless it was sports related. I loved being on teams and why I love community so much. It was sports that helped me not kill myself. It was sports that made me feel like something. Academics was my nemesis. I hated going to class. I was that dummy in the back. The one who would fall asleep in class because I was always thinking of running.
Loner. I was that kid. Until it came to track practice where I would excel. It was my time to shine. Even the boys would be like “ damn you are a good runner”. They always wanted to train with me because I would kick their ass! Can you imagine a high school girl beating the high school boys? I would blow people’s minds. This was my place. I only stayed in school for this.
I hate myself. But I focus on running. Focus so hard that I win my races. Focus so hard that I forget to kill myself. I have attached journal pages here for you to see my mindset. This particular page shocked me at first because I haven’t read them in many many years. I do remember running away to races when I was grounded for fighting at school. Grounded for getting Fs on all my reports. Sports on some level saved my life. I just got so deep into my own head just to survive. Running gave me the space to feel alive. To feel masculine. To be a winner.
Masculinity in a girl was not so celebrated. I was an athletic girl and one of the things that were always on people’s minds was becoming a lesbian! Like any girl in sports is automatically a lez. Hilarious when I think about it now, but back then it was something you never ever spoke about. It was happening but don’t you dare say a thing. We all kept it under wraps. You could lose your endorsements. Seriously.
I remember going to this big race out of town so that meant we had to spend the night at a hotel with all the other runners coming in from all over the state. I was a BIG drinker back then and so when I met another big drinker we became friends. Bad news!!! I got so drunk the night before the race with her. We ended up back at her hotel room and the next thing I know it was the morning and I was puking everywhere. I had a race to run. No way did I do this to myself. I could barely finish the race. Puking as I ran. My coach was so mad at me that he would not speak to me or sit next to me on the plane ride home.
Dealing with my sexuality. Made me want to drink. Or should I say not dealing with it? Crushing on girls and knowing it’s wrong. So I was told. The homophobia in women’s sports was big. Crushing those feelings with alcohol. Never knowing what it all meant. Why couldn’t you be a lesbian?
The race was a big one. Jr Olympics championships and I won. But was in big trouble after going against my father’s orders.
Today I celebrate my life including my past life as a female. I feel very lucky to have found the space to love her and not hate her anymore. She is the reason I am here.
Love, Buck
Thanks for being vulnerable. People should be able to have compassion for kids struggling like this.
You have such a fascinating life story and perspective, Buck. Glad you've found the space to love your past self. (Unrelated to gender issues at all, I still struggle with that one myself! As I think so many of us do.)