Struggle. That’s a hard word to accept. Because it was so real. I no longer struggle with who I am but back in the day, well you could say it was my everyday life. Struggling with my identity and my desire to want to live male. Wearing men’s clothes gave me some weird sense of masculinity at times.
When I would get to dress up like this. Just the clothes alone took away that struggle, if only for a moment. Though I hated modeling with a passion I still did it. How? I cannot really answer that because I do not know. Maybe it was the money? Maybe all the booze and parties. But also maybe its was this desire from them to make me look like a male even though I was a female. I felt appreciated for my masculine qualities at times. How they would say “ wow its crazy how androgynous you are”. Did it matter so much back then? Somehow I feel like it was less of this desire like it is now to be put in a box and more of a desire to explore that box with the rest of the world. I never remember in that fashion world anyone getting mad at me for “tricking” them or even being a masculine woman. On some level it was celebrated.
This did not alleviate my dysphoria by any means it just helped me live. Back in my day there were lots of butches and femmes in my world. I was obviously a butch! The lesbian world in which I was a part of really loved these roles. On some level emulating the straights. For me it was heaven. I felt accepted and a part of. Isn’t that somehow what we all want? To feel accepted. My masculinity has always been so important to me. It has always made me feel authentic for a lack of a better word. Loved?
What I also know is I found out a lot about myself from those days. Struggle is why. I believe on some level struggle is what makes you stronger and more resilient. It did for me. I do not think every struggle is the same of course but for my struggle it has made me stronger. This is why I tell my stories of the past for the future to see the struggle we all go through. Not just me and not just you. Yours is different than mine, yet we are being told struggle is bad, We can stop you from struggling if we do x y and z. I am not sure that is even true. Why? Because there will always be a struggle of some kind and to just not address struggle as also a positive makes it a complete negative.
Looking back I hated it. I fought the struggle and did so many things that were not positive, but the out come is this. Today after years and years of not wanting to be here, of just wanting to disappear I value my life. I value the fact that I am now living as a male. I got to explore before I made this life changing choice of transition. At the time I would have never known how important living in those other spaces were because I was so wrapped up in my own mind.
To dream it and then live it is what I want you to see. Nothing comes easy. I believe working towards a goal is powerful. Reflection is powerful. Today I stand here because my struggle helped me get here. Knowing your struggle can be positive too.
Love, Buck
So interesting Buck. Do you think you would have medically transitioned had being very masculine female been accepted in society back then? Wearing the men's clothes all the time..shopping there as being seen as female? It seems society is worse now for gender nonconforming people.
Hi Buck. I stumbled on your substack from FAIR.
Thanks for sharing. Reading through your stuff I am starting to wonder if it’s considered “old person think” to struggle, or suffer through shame, or having to sit with anxiety and cognitive dissonance. Is it old fashioned to have to do that? Is that what people are avoiding nowadays?